


Letting you go

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29964714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Life is a steady march towards death.He'll take this secret to the grave.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 47
Collections: monthlysekai's Flower Garden





	Letting you go

**Author's Note:**

> Hanahaki is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim’s romantic feelings for their love also disappear.
> 
> Bouquet of roses for monthlysekai's Challenge #5

Sehun had no reason to stay awake till three in the morning. He had completed all his assignments, went through his lessons and revised them twice, checked up on his friends and wished them a good night, caught up with his favourite show before going to bed. He had no reason to stay awake gazing at his phone, waiting for that message to finally arrive.

But when it did, a loud notification resounding across the room, Sehun rolled over, pushed away his blanket, and started pacing with urgent strides. The clock struck three. The sky outside is splintered by forks of thunder. Sehun shivered.

It’s a text from Jongin.

_‘Can you pick me up?’_

Sehun quickly changed to a more appropriate pair of jeans and shirt, grabbed his hoodie, and headed out of his apartment. His car is parked in the driveway, and Sehun thanked his foresight for fetching an umbrella on his way out. Turning on the ignition, his car roared to life while he pulled out of the driveway, into the rainy night of Seoul.

The rain poured in heavy fabrics of water, as if the gray sky were a loom that struggled to withstand the weight. The heavens restlessly grumbled, the pitter-patter of raindrops creating a symphony that Sehun would’ve otherwise enjoyed, had it not been for the circumstances.

It had become a routine now, a task Sehun had willingly given himself into with zero complaints. Jongin would go out, party like it was the end of the world, get drunk, hook up, but at the end of the day return to Sehun’s arms—because he knew that he would come for him. Jongin knew Sehun would never abandon him.

It had all begun one summer night when Jongin was over at Sehun’s place, with a promise to beat him in a video game this time. Needless to say, those words were empty and unsure. But it was a cozy warm night, their sweaty bodies cuddling in the soft cushions. Jongin pouted and whined for not winning the umpteenth time, but Sehun had quickly smoothed away the frown from his face with forehead kisses.

Sehun is happy. The twinkle in Jongin’s eyes, the way his cheeks bunched up when he smiled are the causes of his happiness. Jongin is his happiness.

But like a fever dream, like an autumn day that soon gave away to the dreadful chill of winter months, Sehun’s happiness was short-lived. Jongin found a special someone.

Sehunnie, isn’t he cool? Sehun would smile.

Sehunnie, isn’t he handsome? Sehun would nod.

Sehun wore a smile on his face by day. But it was at night when his feelings roared and came to life. It was at night when his tears watered the flowers of doom taking root inside his chest.

“It’s a red rose,” The doctor said a month later when Sehun had started coughing up petals. “How long have you been suffering from chest pain?”

“About three weeks...?”

The doctor’s expression turned grim. Like a cloud shadowing over earth, his face had turned dark with hopelessness.

“Your illness is an extremely serious case of hanahaki, Mr. Oh. I’m sorry.”

Sehun had nodded. Sehun had smiled.

That was all he was capable of anymore.

Sehun had never been in denial. He knew he loved Jongin, more than himself or anyone else. Whenever he heard his laughter, his chest would flare with happiness. But as soon as he was reminded he would never be the reason for that laughter, his lungs would constrict around the blooming petals until he was wheezing for breath.

Agony is a tangible thing, Sehun had realized, when the cursed roses started weaving a bouquet of death inside him.

Sehun parked his car outside the club. The ground shook with the music, negating the song of the sky as the rain poured.

Sehun loved the rain, because it veiled the tears clouding his eyes.

It did not take long to find Jongin. He’s doubled over the bushes, puking out his guts. Sehun felt hopeless, more for his friend than for himself.

Jongin really loves his boyfriend. But he was paid dust in return. A year spent together, and the other guy had left Jongin broken, a sobbing mess on the cold tiled floor of his apartment. Sehun arrived to a pathetic scene of broken things and shattered glass. Jongin was lying in the midst of the chaos, like he was caught in the eye of the storm. Curled within himself Jongin had cried until Sehun carried him to the shower, washed away the blood and tears, changed him into a fresh pair of clothes, and tugged his dearest friend to sleep.

“Stay with me, Sehun.”

Sehun stayed. He always did.

Even if it hurt him. Even if the roses grew their thorns. Even if his lungs stopped breathing—Sehun would always stay.

Jongin looks miserable, sitting there outside the club with a mess around him, his tear-stained cheeks washing away the makeup he had probably borrowed from his roommate.

“Sehunnie, you came,” His words were slurred, barely understandable.

“Let’s get you home.”

Sehun realized too late when a shiver rattled his bones that he had forgotten the umbrella in his car. The sky is still pouring. Jongin and Sehun were drenched.

They made it to the car with stumbles and narrowly avoided falls. Sehun placed Jongin in the passenger seat and settled himself in the driver’s seat. The road back to Sehun’s home was filled with a tense silence, until Jongin fell asleep and Sehun realized he could breathe again. A cough clawed its way up his throat, pushing against the walls of his windpipe until his lungs were on fire.

Sehun parked his car on the side of the road, toppled out of his seat, rushed to the sidewalk and doubled over into a fit of coughing. His breath fell short. His throat clogged with petals. Sehun waited for the petals to worm its way out of his mouth but they resisted. They wouldn’t. Sehun’s cupped hands waiting for the flowers to land remained empty.

He coughed and loudly gasped. He coughed and fell to the ground. He coughed and spilled blood. But there were no petals to be seen.

“Sehun!” A hand came around to hold him. “Oh my god, what’s wrong, what happened?”

Sehun assumed it was Jongin. At some point in time, he had probably lost all consciousness.

Maybe if he fell asleep and never woke up. Maybe this pain would stop. Maybe then Jongin would love him.

-+-

“The syndrome has reached the last phase, Mr. Oh.”

Sehun had woken up in the hospital bed, the uncomfortable pillows awkwardly placed under his neck. He tried recalling the night before. Rain, roses, and Jongin.

“It’s not only petals now clogging up your throat but the parent stems have started growing thorns as well,” The doctor continued in whispers. Sehun’s eyes roamed the room. Jongin is nowhere to be seen—he sighed in relief.

“How much time do I have left, doctor?” Sehun winced at the roughness of his voice. It sounded void and emotionless, like the white walls and sheets of the hospital ward.

The doctor remained silent, and it was enough of an answer.

That afternoon, when Sehun was discharged, Jongin came over to accompany him home.

“Jongin,” Sehun’s voice was hoarse and not like himself anymore. “Let’s go to the beach.”

“Now?” Jongin eyed him with a worried look, curling his fingers around the steering wheel. “Are you sure you are alright?”

Sehun wanted to answer, no. He wanted to answer that he’s in love with him. He wanted to say that it’s the same love that was killing him. But Sehun had gone so long without letting even an ounce of doubt creep into Jongin’s mind. He is not going to let it all out now.

“I want to watch the sunset with you.”

Jongin tried asking him about his health, tried to pry the information out of him. But Sehun would not give in. Would never give in. Maybe Jongin doesn’t love him beyond their friendship, but Sehun is aware that the news of his illness would absolutely wreck him. Jongin had suffered enough heartbreak to last a lifetime—Sehun never wanted to be another reason behind the dousing of his smile to a frown.

The beach sand is a gentle hue of gold under the dimming sunlight. The waters lapped and glistened in the distance, a sparkle of waves that rushed back and forth, wetting the shore. Sehun climbed out of the passenger seat to feel the wind caress his face. He closed his eyes, committing the beauty of nature to his memory. The seagulls wrapped a warm blanket around him with their high notes, flying over the sea. They look so free and lovely, Sehun wished he could soar like them.

“Let’s go and sit there,” Jongin tugged him forward, the soft bronze sand swallowing up their feet with every step that threw them off balance.

The sky is a riot of yellows and reds, bruising the horizon as the sun dipped below. Sehun settled down beside Jongin, the waves lapping at their feet.

“Do you see the eye of heaven?” Sehun asked, his voice drowned by the ocean’s roar but he knew Jongin had heard him.

“You’re being exceptionally poetic today,” Jongin’s eyes wrinkled at the corners. Sehun felt a flutter inside his chest. He looked away.

“Do you know about the green flash?”

“The green flash?”

“Yeah, if you look closely, maybe you’ll be able to see it when the sun sets below the horizon,” Sehun explained. “The flash appears for barely one or two seconds. But it’s a moment, a moment everyone eagerly waits for to witness.”

The heavens bathed in gold and the sky is on fire. But just like the twinkle of a distant star, there’s a sudden blink of green before the golden disk entirely blended with the sky. Jongin gasped beside him.

“Wow...”

Sehun smiled, “I wish I had my camera with me.”

Not to capture the sunset but the smile on your face, he added silently.

He realized it had been a while since Jongin is sober around him. Most nights he was wasted, and most days he was hungover. Today is different and Sehun doesn’t know whether to feel better or worse about the fact that it’s because of him—or more precisely, because of his illness that Jongin had no idea about.

“Don’t worry,” Jongin looped an arm around Sehun’s shoulders, “I will remember it for both of us.”

That night, when Jongin had gone to sleep, Sehun felt a scratch inside his chest. It burned until the wound inside was caressed by a soft flutter. He shot up from his bed and rushed to the bathroom, coughing up petals as soon as he bent over the toilet. With the little bit of strength he could still gather, Sehun shut the door to avoid waking Jongin up with his loud coughs and wheezes.

But his efforts had been in vain. Jongin is a light sleeper and that little detail had skipped Sehun’s mind.

“Sehun!” Jongin threw open the door and rushed inside. “Are you alright—” He stopped when he saw Sehun crumbling on the floor right before his eyes, drowning in red—petals and blood smearing his chin and shirt.

Sehun realized he’s probably a sight to see. Pathetic and dying. He mustered a weak smile, “Sorry you had to see me like this.”

Jongin took in shaky breaths as he took a step forward and knelt down beside him.

Another cough. Petals and thorns scratched the inside of Sehun’s throat. Blood oozed from his mouth.

“No,” A look of fear. A look of uncertainty. Jongin is probably still hoping this is just a bad dream.

“Sehun...” He kept chanting his name.

A pain flared up inside Sehun’s chest. He wanted to cry. He had failed. He had failed to keep this a secret. He had failed to keep Jongin out of his pain.

“Jongin, I—” He tried again, but his body spasmed with dry coughs. A thorn buried itself inside his throat. He choked on nothing, hacking and wheezing when another petal clawed its way up.

“Don’t talk, it will be over soon.” Jongin grabbed his shoulders and nestled Sehun’s head in the crook of his neck. “Whatever this is, it will be over soon. I promise.”

No, it won’t. Sehun wanted to say but instead took a sharp intake of breath, inhaling Jongin’s scent.

“I love you, Sehun. You will be alright. Stay with me. You are okay. You will be okay.”

I wish. Sehun felt another rose blocking the inside of his windpipe. Thorns wrapped around his lungs and buried its vicious sting until the pain made him too numb to feel pain itself. 

I love you, Jongin.

Sehun would never forget the feeling of Jongin’s arms holding him in a warm cocoon. He smiled and closed his eyes.

-+-

Maybe Jongin had too many regrets in life. He regretted changing schools when he was ten. He regretted not making many friends. He regretted falling in love.

But most of all, he regretted never owning up to it. Sehun’s feelings were never a mystery but Jongin was simply in denial. Had always been in denial.

It had been three years. Three years since Sehun left him here. Three years since he was consumed by a grief that refused to go away. Consumed by a pain that he probably deserved.

Jongin held the letter in his hand, now drenched in rain as he stood in the cemetery. The silence is deafening, a stark contrast to the chaos that brewed inside his head. Jongin's eyes scanned the letter, until his vision blurred and he was reading it out from his memory.

_‘Jongin_ _,_

_I will probably start off this letter with the same cheesy line you see in every romance novel or_ _drama_ — _yes, when you find this I will probably not be there by your side. But before I start off with anything, I just want to remind you that this was my choice. It was my choice that I loved you,_ _Jongin_ _. It was my choice that I never mentioned it to you. It was entirely my choice and I don't blame you._

_So please don't blame yourself. Never blame yourself._

_I only wish you live a_ _long_ _life. I don't want to ask anything of you but...Go back to school. Get that degree in your dance major. Find the love of your life who will hold you to sleep when I'm not there. Go back in time and start living again,_ _Jongin_ _. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve every bit of success._

_I believe in you._

_Do you remember the green flash_ _we saw_ _? You said you will remember it for us. I will always be in your memory but with time I will fade too. Remember me like a moment in your life, just like the green flash that barely lasted for a second. A moment. I will be here with you but don't let the memories of me consume you. We were only a moment in each other's existence. Cherish me, don't forget me, but don't let it consume you._

_I love you,_ _Jongin_ _. I found a home in you. I hope you will find a home in someone too._

_Yours,_

_Sehun’_

Jongin dropped to his knees, his chest weak and heavy from all the crying. How could he remember Sehun only as a moment? How could he reduce Sehun's influence to barely a second? How could he ever let him fade?

Jongin wanted to go back; he wanted to stop the cruel march of time and take all the pain away. He wanted to relive everyday spent with Sehun.

"Because you were my home, Sehun. You are the one I can ever love."

The next day, Jongin visited the beach again. A lot of things had changed in the last three years but the sky is still the same. The waters still the same. The song of gulls still the same.

Jongin found comfort in the familiarity.

He plopped down on the soft sand, wet and littered with seashells as the tides brought in more treasures. The ocean and the wind weaved a song, a song that reminded Jongin of him.

The sun is setting, the sky splashed with oncoming twilight. Jongin's eyes followed the golden disk as it sunk lower, blending with the horizon that bent like a cup to hold the melting sun. It shrunk and flattened until the tip was the only part visible.

Jongin held his breath. He looked closely.

A green flash. A second. A moment.

Jongin closed his eyes and committed it to his memory, alongside a smiling Sehun. If Sehun had become a star, Jongin would be the green flash for him. Maybe they are not close but they would coexist in the same sky.

"Because you will always be my home."

_\--End--_

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it ^^


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